i've been feeling down lately

i've been crying everyday for the past two weeks straight. i'm really tired. but i don't have to be tired anymore. hehe. here's what happened.

i cried last monday during our health period walk-out. i didn't want to cry in public, but i couldn't help it. i cried so hard that i was already shouting, "ayoko na!" while i was crying, max kept bugging me if i was alright. it's weird because i'm already drowning in tears and he still kept asking me if i was alright. :s

and then i talked to karen about what i've been going through. i told her that i'm not the type who cries when i go through hardships, not unless it's really heavy. i was afraid of crying everytime i felt sad because then i would have to cry everytime. i never thought this day would come.

i told karen that all i could see that were my imperfections and i was really putting myself down. and then I kept blaming everything on myself. and i kept paying too much attention on what everyone around me have that I don’t. it was hard because i couldn’t stop. i told her my “other” problems.

i really felt like crying while i was talking to her, but i couldn’t quite force my tears to fall. and then kam kam came and i talked to her about this. as I was going to lie down on my bed while talking to her, my head bumped the wooden side of my bed. and that’s when i cried my heart out.

all the while, i was waiting for something to help me make the tears fall.

and this was what i said in between tears:

"masakit malaman na napag-iiiwanan ka na ng panahon, pero mas masakit malaman na wala kang ginagawa para makahabol."

"nadidiliman ako."

"alam ko naman na ang demonyo ang kalaban ko eh. pero ang nakikita ko lang ay ang sarili ko na sinasakal ang sarili ko. nakatunganga lang ako. tapos nung sinubukan kong lumaban, sarili ko lang ang nasaktan ko."


"hindi ko sinasabi sa inyo kasi natatakot akong madamay pa kayo. kaya iniiyak ko na lang. ayoko kong lumubog kayo kasama ko."

kam kam and karen: di ka naman lulubog kasi tutulungan ka naman namin e.
"ayoko yung sinasabing 'lilipas din yan,' kasi di ka sigurado kung ano ok pa nun. malay mo, pagkatapos ng lahat, wala ka na."

karen: ikaw naman kasi e. masyado kang nag-iisip.
"kasi may phobia ako sa hinaharap. ayoko nang hindi ako sigurado kung magiging ok lang ako o hindi. gusto kong makasigurado."

"natatakot ako."



i've been crying everyday for two weeks straight. now i don't have to. i may not have any clue yet of what the future holds for me after this crisis of mine is over, but i have assurance from my friends that they wouldn't let me sink even if i'm really really heavy. besides, if i was the one who is weighing down on myself, i'm pretty sure i could remove the weight. of course, with help from my friends and God!

wish me luck!