still can't believe he's gone...

this morning, after we attended mass, i was told that one of my batchmate in my previous school passed away. his name is nino valmadrid.

he died just before new year. he never made it to 2006. i was told he was ran over.

i barely new him, but the fact that i did is enough for me to cry my heart out. i just wished i got to know him better because the times i spent with him were good ones. he always made me laugh.

i haven't visited my previous school in a while. what's funny is that before i was informed of his death i was thinking of how he was. i asked myself, "kamusta na kaya yung baklang yun? lalaki na kaya siya?" nope, he's not really gay. he's just more... feminine. yeah feminine.

i blame myself for his death. i've been feeling really depressed lately, i just don't let it show. wait, no. i can't. i can't cry but i feel that i have to. or else i'll die, i think. i've been thinking that if someone died, i would cry. and i could make it an excuse to cry. it was perfect. i was already thinking what would happen if my dog died. i would cry and shout and cry some more. i think there was a time when i was actually praying to God to help me cry. and then, nino died.

i felt really guilty and stupid. although i know that the world doesn't revolve around me, i feel like he died just for the fulfillment of my stupid wish.

STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!

nino, wherever you are right now, i hope you're happy. we're not that close but i will still miss you. you're my friend.

got to go. i have to cry.