needs to find a place

i used to think that God was someone which we were obliged to worship. i used to attend masses without knowing the real purpose of waking up early for it or standing up for so long in the afternoon listening to priest while bearing mosquito bites. i used to think i was well off with God doing that.

but i was wrong. in fact, i was lost.

i hear people's testimony of being enlightened when they found God during our retreats and recollections. i would ask myself if i felt enlightened because God was always with me. that's what people say, God is everywhere. how else could they find God?

and then it came to me that it wasn't enough to just hear mass without knowing what the priest was saying. mass used to bore me. it wasn't enough to know him as a supreme being and fear him.

during my first year in high school, somewhere during the end of our school year, i lost my expensive and hardbound earth science book. i panicked because in our school, since it is a public school, our books are just borrowed and must be returned at the end of the school year. if it is lost, they will ask for a replacement and they will not accept money. it was expensive and they said it can only be bought in another country.

i prayed to God and asked him that i would find it. i also promised Him that i would strive to be closer to Him. a classmate returned it because he found it in our front lobby. but i broke my promise.

i also remember during summer that my mom and i went to my school because our guidance counselor wants to talk to me about my failing grade. when i woke up that morning, my back hurt. as we were near my school, half of my body hurt whenever i move. when we were at my school and the interview started, i didn't want to laugh at the remarks because my whole body hurt whenever i did. i thought this was it, i going to be paralyzed and die. i asked God to spare me because people told me God gives people what they wish for. that's how i knew God as a child.

when we came home, i slept because i couldn't move much now and even my lungs were starting to get paralyzed, i was finding it hard to breathe. i thought that if was going to die, at least i was going to die in my sleep.

but i was lucky, no, i was blessed, i woke up feeling alright. i thanked God.

but after that, i sort of drifted away from Him and saw Him as i saw Him before.

and then somewhere in the third or fourth month of my second year in high school i developed rashes or allergies or something. it was horrible. it was very itchy and whenever i took a bath, the pain was almost unbearable.

again i turned to God. again He granted my wish.

but this time i wanted to make sure i do something for Him.

i tried to listen to the Holy Mass. i tried to digest whatever God was telling me. i tried to pray with my heart. i tried to mean everything i say in prayer. and so i learned to "pray" the rosary. i used to get bored of the rosary but now i always want to pray the rosary. i already feel like i'm talking to God.

just recently i've been having a lot of itchy spots. i was afraid that i have dengue. i asked God to heal me because i felt like i was being faced with Death once again. and then my itchy spots were getting less and less.

thanks to my family and friends i have found a friend, a father, a comforter and everything else i've been looking for in God.

indeed, i felt enlightened.

guide us with your grace
give us faith so we'll be safe...