tolits

me! me! me! it's always my fault!

how come it's always my fault?!

just this afternoon we went to SM and i asked my mom if we could buy a small cake just to celebrate my birthday. she agreed. before i could go to red ribbon, i heard her say, "dito lang kami maghihintay sa'yo."

i bought this coffee crunch cake, my favorite and hurriedly went back. when we got there, they were no were in sight.

i kept asking myself what it was they said before buying the cake. i remember that i heard her say they will wait for us right here, where i was standing.

my sister and i were already searching the places near our "meeting place" but they were nowhere to be found.

after some time, i was already getting pissed when mama came standing in front of us looking angry. i was getting ready to hear "my fault" reprimands.

was it my fault i didn't hear it clearly? was it my fault that i was already hurrying for us to get home that i didn't catch mama's words?

when we got to the exit of the mall, it was raining. my mom said, "ayan tuloy!"

oh! so it was my fault that it was raining! it was always my fault! maybe if theworld ended, it was still my fault! you may already be tired of hearing the words "my" and "fault." so am i. i wish there was a day with mom that i wouldn't hear those words.

i've noticed that recently, all my mom ever do is notice all the bad things about me. sure it helps but if a parent overdoes it, the child will lose self-confidence bcause of all the bad things he is hearing.

i know that i am already trying my best to please her. i told her i got a high score in my physics periodic exam and all she says is "oh."

oh what? oh no? oh yes? or maybe oh d**n! i don't know. i never got to. then as a reward, she bought me a black shirt. i liked it. but it would never do for the damage done during the years she always blamed me for the mistakes which was supposed to be natural.

when i was years younger, i thought of washing my own clothes just to lessen the burden. i thought my mom would be happy because i took the initiative to do so. when i was through, i asked her where the hangers were kept with a smirk on my face waiting for her to praise me or at least smile back.

but no! she didn't! she scolded me for not knowing where the hangers were! it was always like that. one time she asked me to cook banana cue. i was happy because i was going to cook. but i ended up burning it. she scolded me again. right then and there i wanted to tell her, "sorry! it was just that nobody took the initiative to teach me how! sure it was simple but as a kid i don't grow up instantly knowing how to cook!" but instead, i controlled myself.

good thing my sisters were there. only the three of us ate the burnt bananacue and they kept on insisting it tasted alright and that it was good. i thanked God that at least there are still people who appreciate what i do to them. i always quarrel with my sisters but also i was trying to be a good sister to them. they always there for me saying it wasn't my fault.

of course by now you would've known that i hated my mom for along time. there was a time when i didn't but it was only temporary because that time, i was hardly talking to her.

right now, i still have a grudge on my mom. she was the primary reason i wanted to commit suicide but also the primary reason i didn't do it. i wanted to show her i wasn't supid or dumb. someday i will.

but right now, all i could wish for is that even just for one weekend spent with her, i wouldn't be always be ako, ako, lagi na lang ako.

i don't want to be like him...